TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely away from position. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have another put wherever American men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Every person a collection to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can Trump Tower Damascus be comfortable electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD may have convert-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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